Walking Backwards

Well, I feel better now. I think just realizing that I was feeling down and why helped a great deal. I also got out of my house this morning, which does wonders. My friend Bella and I took the kiddos to Deep Eddy pool and let them splash around in the water and sit in the sun. Turns out we were both feeling kind of blue. As bad as it sounds, I'm glad that there is someone else out there who also has down days as well. I have to say that this mothering thing is a lot more isolating than I ever thought it would be. In the quest to become more family-centered I have had to let go of a lot of my independence, but I have also had to let go of the intense involvement I had with my friends. The easy meetings at coffee shops or dropping in on the weekends doesn't go down quite so easily. *Sigh* I know it will come back, but the ease and casualness of my life before is sorely missed now. However, this little kid thing makes you reassess friendships and find out who is really going to be there.

Anyway, Deep Eddy pool is a great set-up for toddlers. The pool is graded from one end to another starting at 9 inches deep and topping off at 4 feet. It is also big enough that the children are not running over one another. We put Nicholas in his swim vest so that when he got to a point deep enough to reach his chest he would bob up and start floating enough to get the illusion of swimming while he was still able to touch the bottom. After awhile, the sun and the swimming became a little difficult with the now exhausted small ones and we made the trek up to the picnic tables for a snack. This degenerated into throwing the snack onto the ground for the wildlife. This place has the world's fattest squirrels. As we were leaving the children spotted a gigantic centipede that about gave me a heart attack even though it was on its back in the throes of death. Nature freaks me out sometimes. Good morning all in all and now I seem to have enough energy/motivation to do something around these parts other than sitting on the computer ;). I know it will wear off soon.

I'm sitting here getting drunk so please forgive me for any grammatical or logical errors that I am inevitably going to make. I'm drinking shots of Black Haus and lamenting days gone by. This has been a bad week. The state of mind I find myself in makes it worse. I was already on the depressive, low-key swing of things when friends and memories of times past popped up and I realized how much things have changed and how much I've let go. I had a small group of friends that I ran around with to all the underground clubs in Texas and Washington and went drinking with and shared secrets with. They aren't here any more. I miss them. I didn't realize my life had changed so much and that I had lost so much of what I thought made me me. Change can be good; I let go of a lot of the bad things in my life, but it can be lonely, too. Where are the people to sit and discuss local bands and politics with on the back porch at 2 in the morning?

I left him alone for five minutes and this is what he does; strips and paints his body.

Who robs TacoLand? Who could shoot Ram? An institution has been erased and a good man is gone. And I have been so insulated in my life that I didn't even know until all of it was over. I'm sorry that I wasn't there. Be happy Ram.

So . . . Tired . . . Just got back from taking the family to Schlitterbahn. Joe's dad and his sisters/sisters' husbands/nephew/step-mother invited us to all go out and have a summer family outing. For some reason they picked Schlitterbahn, the biggest and most crowded waterpark that I know of. Just the place to hold a family gathering of the most disorganized minds I know ;). It's about forty-five minutes from our house, but a two-hour drive for them, so I am grateful for that. They came a long way to see our little selves. The little guy seemed to enjoy himself quite a bit and spent a great deal of time in the water. He even tried swimming a little in the giant hot tub while mommy sipped her margarita. Joe and I didn't hit the rides because most of them had a minimum height requirement and our little shorty failed to meet it. When Nico gets a little older he'll get to know the thrill of huge water-slides. All of our time was spent gossiping with the relations and playing in the many kiddie areas. I have to say it is always pretty great to hang out with comfortable people who love you and yours more than anything. Unfortunately, because I love them so much I agreed to head out to Louisiana in August for some more family stuff. I'm so susceptible under the influence of camaraderie. Also, I didn't get any pictures either. I didn't want to bring my digital and the disposable I bought for water shots I forgot in the car. Doh! Now off to unppck the mountains of stuff required to take a family of three out for the day. *Yawn* And maybe nap.

I have had a distinct lack of fluffy posts lately. So to increase my fluffy quotient; a little meme from Maria


If you get tagged, put this in your journal and tag 5 people.

Favourite ice cream: Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia

Favourite place to be: Napping on my front room couch in the sun with my little guy

Best Band: *Crap* I like so many bands for so many reasons that this needs to be a multi-part question, but it's not. So, right now I'm going to say Theivery Corporation because they are the ones I want to see the most.

Best Friend: Deta (who knows all about me), Maria (who can so relate), my mom (who makes me feel always at home), and Annie (who keeps me down to earth)

Best love: Comfortable, old-shoe love where they know your favorite kind of tea and you know how they fold their socks

Most active friend: Amazingly, my mom. She puts all of us youngin's to shame

Most amazing person: Other than Nico, who amazes me everyday, I have to say Frieda Khalo. Oooooooo, or Hume or Liza Dalby or so many others

Most kissable: My baby and my hubby. I really cannot help myself. They are just SO cute.

Fun part! Fun Part! I tag my five friends who is not the one who tagged me: I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you want to do something fluffy . . .

Sorry for the temporary respite from the computer. It seems like when I have a lot going on to write about, I don't have the time or motivation in the evenings to write. This last half-week thing has been busy. I think father's day was this last weekend, right? Other things in the house/life have been exploding or falling apart. The air-conditioning in my car started making this insane high-pitched buzzing sound like it wanted to jump through the dashboard and attack me. It's fine now, apparently. It just wanted me to know who is in charge around here. Toddler melodrama, family insanity, etc.

So, father's day. Saturday, we drove down to San Antonio and took my dad out to eat as his father's day surprise. I am stepping back on giving stuff to my dad since he is currently on the same psycho, decluttering trip that we are on. We went to this fabulous Greek restaurant and I had so much hummus and so many dolmas that lemon oil was coming out of my pores. Joe had chicken souvalke (sp?) for the first time ever and really enjoyed it and Nico chowed an entire grilled cheese pita and a basket of fries. My dad ordered the fish and couldn't even finish the whole thing; Nicholas probably could have. After lunch we headed for some antique consignment furniture store. I like looking at antiques with my dad, because together we will never buy anything. We are both good at admiring the better points of antique furniture, but just on the cusp of being convinced to buy things, the other will point out the pieces disadvantages or shortcomings. An example:

me: "Oooooooo . . . check out this kitchen cabinet do-dad"

dad: "Hey, that would look nice in your kitchen"

me: "I know, and I want to go for the French Country look when I get around to painting."

dad: "Well, this is a great example and in the colors that you wanted"

me: "Exactly and it's about the right size"

dad: "But you know, it's stapled together instead of nailed"

me: "Yeah, I noticed that. You think it would be easy to make one?"

dad: "Probably and then you can take the cross pieces off of these mesh doors."

Nothing is perfect for my dad in the store. It is always a canvas to be improved upon. He and I are supposed to hit some flea markets and an antique hardware store next month. I can't wait. Joe, on the other hand, should never be taken into a place with furniture that expensive. First, you have to understand that normally, my husband will not buy anything at all that takes up space or costs more than his skewed 1950s economic sense will allow. However, he does have a weak spot for fancy, high-end stuff. That is why he was trying to convince me to buy a three-thousand dollar Chinese table and chairs set. It was beautiful, but I think I'll keep our already-paid-for stuff.

Joe didn't get anything for father's day, but some "special time" and pampering. We had huge errands to run in the morning, but we had fun doing them. In the morning we went to a local coffee house for the morning kid's show and picked up some meals that my local parenting group was delivering to another mama who is recovering from back surgery. The we drove across town to drop the meals and take Joe to mega-computer-super-store so he could be a little kid again. Later, we rented movies and I made lasagna for dinner. Nicholas was pretty good all day long and spent a lot of cuddle time on the couch. A fairly good day all-in-all.

Monday I had to catch up with cleaning from the weekend, but my sling came in and made up for the six loads of laundry I had to do. Nicholas and I have already made the neighborhood rounds with it and are ready to go public, I think. I might convince the husband to take a picture of us, but with the late nights I have been having, I don't find myself photogenic enough yet.

The rest of the week is kind of blurry. I do vaguely remember telling my brother, housemate of three years now, that he needs to be a big boy and leave the nest. He is supposed to be out by the middle of November (it's so far out because he is going to be in Europe for three of those months). I'll be sad and happy to see him go. Nicholas also has been a source of conflict. We were at the store a few days ago, who knows when, when he picked up a foam water float and used it like a gun. Complete with sound effects and pointed at other hapless customers. This must be ingrained into little boys because we don't have anything resembling a gun in the house and I don't think the feature guns on Blue's Clues. There is no telling where this came from, but it was certainly unexpected.

I think I've blathered on long enough. Now to surf the internet and peek into other lives.

I almost forgot to add that I aced my last test. Of course, it was expected as it is an introductory course . . . and we got to take the test home. It did take me all weekend and I messed up on one ambiguous question on heritability, but there were some people who failed - - - a TAKE HOME test. I wonder if they knew they were allowed to use the book ;).

Well, going to class today was not a total waste of time. We spent the evening discussing sleep disorders and spent a little bit of class on how they effect animals. Apparently, some goats suffer from myatonia when they become frightened. I know it's cruel, but I laughed so hard while watching these videos, from a scientific perspective, of course.

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage40_2.html

Yes, we also went over the narcoleptic dogs, but I find the goats more interesting.

*Happy Dance* I just got an e-mail today that my podegai baby carrier has been shipped and should be arriving any day now. Woo-Hoo, no more carrying that thirty pound baby up the steep stairs at Mount Bonell, he is going to ride in style. Actually, I ordered it and put myself on the waiting list for a Kozy Carrier because I don't want to deal with a stroller in Italy. Have you ever had to put a freaking stroller on one of those x-ray belts; it's a pain in the ass.

Here is a picture of how it works (obviously this is not a picture of me, it's the catalog picture from the place I ordered it):


And a swatch of the fabric mine is made of:

For those of you not signed up with moveon.org, I'm posting a link to a petition that I really hope everyone will sign. I don't know what my non-cable-subscribing ass will watch if they take away PBS.

Hi,

You know that email petition that keeps circulating about how Congress is slashing funding for NPR and PBS? Well, now it's actually true. (Really. Check at the bottom if you don't believe me.)

Sign the petition telling Congress to save NPR and PBS:

http://www.moveon.org/publicbroadcasting/?t=1

A House panel has voted to eliminate all public funding for NPR and PBS, starting with "Sesame Street," "Reading Rainbow," and other commercial-free children's shows. If approved, this would be the most severe cut in the history of public broadcasting, threatening to pull the plug on Big Bird, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch.

The cuts would slash 25% of the federal funding this year—$100 million—and end funding altogether within two years. The loss could kill beloved children's shows like "Clifford the Big Red Dog," "Arthur," and "Postcards from Buster." Rural stations and those serving low-income communities might not survive. Other stations would have to increase corporate sponsorships.

The next vote on the cuts will take place tomorrow (Thursday). Help us reach 400,000 signatures to be delivered to the committee members.

http://www.moveon.org/publicbroadcasting/?t=2

Thanks!

P.S. Read the Washington Post report on the threat to NPR and PBS at:

http://www.moveon.org/r?r=745

I must have some sort of psychological problem because, for some reason, I have a serious grudge against the holly in front of our house. I don't know where this intense dislike for the plant came from, but every time I see it, I am filled with utter loathing. The thing always needs to be cut back and it is set about two feet off center. I think one day I'll probably fill with rage and attack the thing with my reciprocating saw and a pickaxe. My neighbors across the street already know of my dislike for the shrubbery and I think they'll understand when I'm out there at two in the morning, drunk and wielding power tools.

Is it possible to have a vicodin hangover twenty hours after you took vicodin? That's what it feels like I have right now. Give me ten minutes to lay down on the couch and I bet that I'd fall asleep. I still have a ton left, but after today, that bottle is getting put away to be used on only "special occasions" such as a migrane or when I aggravate one of my prior injuries. I've been trying to complete my take home test for psychology and do house odds and ends, but this underwater feeling won't leave me alone long enough to accomplish anything substantial. Good thing I have to sound semi-intelligent for book group tonight ;).

This weekend was filled with small children. Friday, we went to San Antonio to visit with Maria and her little girl Fiona. Nicholas was thrilled to have someone reciprocate his evil, mad scientist laugh. Maria and I just sat around and talked, which I need more than anything in the world right now because I miss adult conversation so much. We did make a side trip to Costco. I am amazed and overwhelmed by this place. Everything there is in super, ginormus size. I bought a package of baby wipes for Nico that is going to last him until he gets into college. They had a twenty dollar roll of foil! That would have lasted Joe and I until we retired (probably not as we would do something stupid with it like make a giant foil ball or something). I haven't had a membership since the last free membership give-away here in Austin, but now I just want to go in and stare slack-jawed for hours. After Costco, we ate and Nico and I drove home. Nico fell asleep along the way; I didn't. He didn't get to drive either.

Saturday, my dad came to visit and talk about gardening. We always talk about gardening. He also brought me power tools; that must be mentioned. He wouldn't hand it over until he went into a half-hour long safety lecture. I don't even think I heard a word he said, I just stared at the circular saw. At least I know that when I cut my finger off that it was my own damn fault. Now I have no excuse to keep stalling on building the pergola on the back patio. Damn. He had to give me that saw at the beginning of summer.

Sunday, we babysat Annie's baby Hosea. It made my ovaries ache. He is such a sweet baby. For some reason, Joe really freaked him out this time. Last time we watched him, he practically lived in Joe's lap, but no such luck this time around. I think that it was because he wasn't around during the parent-caregiver hand-off. I was glad to give him back and go to sleep, though. Benefits of watching your friends kids.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell. Joe and I have agreed that we are going to start switching Saturdays off and making Sunday a family only day. We'll see how it works out. I don't get a Saturday off for four weeks because of prior engagements, but I'll try not to hold a grudge. Maybe my weekend sum-up posts will get more interesting because of it. I better get ready for book group now. We're going over Fall on Your Knees, which is a very weird book. I don't know if I liked it or not. Maybe after hearing everyone's opinions I'll be able to come to a decision. If not, I'll have next month's book to worry about.

I find the funniest things in the strangest places. Some helpful information from my prescription bottles that I picked up last night:

- My hydrocodone pills came with the warning: "for home use only". It also said "DO NOT SHARE THIS MEDICINE WITH OTHERS" in huge lettering as well. I suppose the kid and the fact I was still in my pajamas at 8 o'clock at night just screamed party girl. I have to wonder if there are bottles out there labeled "for use in the workplace" or "use only when operating heavy equipment".

- My nasal spray advertised that it had "New: Scent-Free mist". What kind of person would be so cruel to put fragrance in a steroid nasal spray prescribed to people with sinus infections? Like we don't have enough going on up there already. Was the mist really scented before? I have to wonder what kind of consumer testing that has to go under to pick the most preferred fragrance.

- I discovered when I got home that my amoxicillin "decreases the effectiveness of birth control pills". Of all the warnings the doctor and the pharmacist gave me, they forgot to add this juicy little tidbit. I guess that it is assumed that while you're feeling like crap, it's very unlikely that you are going to want to have sex. Still though, I knew my doctor had ulterior motives when he asked me if I wanted more kids after Nicholas.

- I have been taking Allegra for awhile now, but after the overload of interesting warnings, I had to look at the bottle. Can you believe I am not supposed to be driving a car while under the influence of this medicine? I guess someone should have told me that sooner. I think it might be a better idea for me just to remove that label since I have to take the medicine twice a day to function in the pollen filled south.

This is a really neat project that I heard of through one of my parenting boards.

http://threadproject.com/asp/default.asp

I'm going to be sending in something as soon as I figure out which piece to choose. Here is a summary description from the website:

The Thread Project: One World, One Cloth is "materializing" the vision that we humans can learn to live in compassionate community with one another. Individual strands of threads, from thousands of people world-wide, are being woven into an ambitious work of art, symbolizing unity amidst diversity. The resulting tapestries, some of the most diverse ever woven, offer a moving and compelling visual of the beauty and richness of weaving our differences into a unified whole. The transcendent theme of the cloths implies that we are all tied together and, just as every thread makes a difference in the cloth, every person makes a difference in the world.

The tapestry that was already started looks awesome. I love this idea. I guess it doesn't help that I am so into fiber arts, mail art, and community projects.

Well, it seems I have another sinus infection. I went to the after hours clinic tonight and, after waiting over an hour, found out that I have gotten a second severe sinus infection in the short span of seven months. This is what happens when you take steroids that lower your immune system and then run out of allergy medicine. The doctor told me that I shouldn't have waited so long because my throat looks really bad; I haven't lost my voice though. The nice guy decided to give me some painkillers so that I can sleep through the night sometime this week as well as antibiotics and a new and improved nasal spray. WooHoo, seven medications to keep track of this week. Nicholas was really good at the clinic, though. He was super charming to all of the nurses. When we went back to the patient rooms, Nicholas started to get a little upset. I explained to him that it was mommy's appointment and not his and he calmed down a little bit. The nurse told him that his mommy needed to be taken care of and he looked at me and said "Aw, does mommy need kisses?" and then kissed me on my knee. He then patted me and said "All better." I think he was just trying to get out of the situation, but it was cute just the same. After the doctor came in Nicholas got nervous again, so I put him on my lap and had him talk to the doctor with me. The doctor was so cool, it turns out that he has five kids and was very sympathetic to Nicholas' worries. When the doctor checked my lungs he had Nicholas demonstrating how to take deep breaths. We went home with a bunch of prescriptions and instructions for me to take it easy for the next three days. Yeah, like that is going to happen with a toddler. Well, I better go to pick up those prescriptions since they seem to be needed.

Well, we never ended up going to the doctor today. I called the nurse practitioner in the morning and they were out of the office. I then called my doctor in the afternoon and she was at lunch. After that I just decided that the fates were aligned against my going to the doctor today and that I'll just keep my fingers crossed that our ears stop hurting on their own. Good news is that my class was cancelled tonight, so I didn't have to sit through that, and Nico took a three hour nap today, so I got some rest. If the short guy and I are still feeling cruddy tomorrow, I call and make an appointment or just head into the urgent care clinic. I can't have our swim time infringed upon.

Now, about this voluntary simplicity thing I alluded to earlier. Joe and I have decided that we are getting a little tired of the craziness in our lives that comes from our material possessions. I think a lot of it comes from having a baby with all of the plastic and bright colored stuff that that involves. We also have a huge family that feels the need to make us keep up with the Jones'. It's nice to have a generous family, but it is getting to the point that we no longer are able to keep up and maintain the stuff we have; we do not need anymore! Do you have any idea how much cleaning I have to do to keep all of Nicholas' birthday gifts from overwhelming the house? Its also sad to see how much money is being spent for the little reward that is being reaped from it. For instance, my mother bought Nico an awesome bowling shirt for $65 (this alone is unbelievable) that he wore a total of three times before he outgrew it. It's all so crazy. Joe and I are guilty, too. I buy clothes that sit in my closet for months without being worn and if Joe brings any more computer equipment home, we are going to have to get a bigger house. At least we don't spend ourselves out of house and home. I guess we are just tired of being wasteful. That and having to deal with way too much stuff.

So here is what we are planning on doing. First, we are going to stop buying stuff and communicate to our family to cut back on their spending too (or put it in Nico's college fund). Anything that we do have to buy, we are going to try to buy used. I am alarmed at how fast the little one is going through stuff that I might as well give the stuff a head start. Second, we are going to try to rapidly pay off all of our debt. It is becoming the albatross around our necks and we have no justification for it. It has been slowly diminishing, but that just isn't going to cut it anymore. Third, we are going to stop hitting up the convenience food/take-out fairy to feed us. This is going to make our lives so much easier (and cheaper) in the long run. I think it is going to be way healthier to.

Those are going to be our first steps, we'll see how long it takes to implement these before we go to stage two. I'm just amazed that my husband agreed to these ideas. I thought that it would be dismissed as too crunchy granola for him. Maybe he is getting sick of it too. I know the hour it take us to pick up the house at night from the apparent explosion it went through during the day is very trying to him.

Ugh, I think Nicholas and I are now suffering the downside of spending so much time in the pool. I think we both have ear infections. Now, does an ear infection make your throat hurt, too? I got up at 4 this morning because I couldn't swallow. Hopefully, Nico's doctor can see us today (and can take care of me at the same time). Hmmmmm, should probably call to make an appointment.

Can someone please explain to me how I am supposed to make three healthy meals a day (and three snacks) in this heat? Really, just turning on my oven at this point is making me swoon and it's only June. One of the many disadvantages of summer in Texas. I am supposed to be trying to figure out some more recipes for my crockpot so I don't have a fainting spell in my kitchen three times a day, but all of the crockpot recipes I have a heavy and stew-like and just generally not summer friendly. I would just declare a salad-a-thon throughout the summer, but that would get expensive fast and my garden has already supplied the last of its tender lettaces; its moved on to the heartier summer squashes and tomatoes. Sigh, and anyone who mentions the grill will be given a stern talking to. Can you imagine standing over a fire with the sun blazing down on you in 95-degree temps? And, once again, its just JUNE!

Okay, glad I got that out of my system. Its my current frustration for the week. Moving on to more joyful things.

Annie started watching Nicholas today. I only left him there for about an hour and a half because, although he knows Annie really well, this is a new thing for him and Annie was feeling pretty exhausted. Her mother-in-law was there so I didn't need to worry so much, but still. While I was gone I picked up a copy of Nicholas' birth certificate so that we can apply for our passports next week. I've never gotten a passport for a toddler and have been warned that there are going to be some hoops to jump through since I am going to be traveling with him alone, but I don't care. I am going to Italy!!! After the birth certificate, I went to Goodwill (a chain thrift store for those who live on Mars or outside of the US) and discovered, to my surprise, terrible prices. They were trying to sell stuff for more money than I could get it new in the store. I found a notebook that you can buy in the dollar section at Target for $1.59 in really shoddy packaging. I also found my beloved Banana Republic t-shirts marked for $18.99; this is how much I pay for them new and not stretched out at the outlet. Well, it looks like I am going to have to find another way to be thrifty. Garage sales have been recommended. I wasn't in there to buy anything, rather to get ideas for a little experiment in voluntary simplicity that Joe and I are about to go through (more on that tomorrow). So I then went back to Annie's and we went swimming for the third time in a week (heaven!). My boy was clingy all over again. He has lost most of the independence he garnered from our preschool adventure and, in this new environment, he is shy all over again. I took him home deciding that we are just going to ease into the staying at Annie's over the next couple of weeks. Nicholas then decided he didn't want to nap, so I drug out the baby pool and he played in that. Apparently water is quite popular with the younger crowd. When Joe got home we wrestled with the dilemma of dinner and dealt with our normal routine. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

I'm so sad. HBO decided not to renew my favorite series, Carnivale, for a third season. Bastards. It looks like Joe and I are going to have to find something else to consume our weekend evenings now.

Not much writing this week because it really hasn't been that interesting around here. Nico and I are starting to get into the summer swing of things. We had a ton of stuff to get out of the way before total leisure time took over. Nicholas got a haircut, I had my every-freakin-three-months doctor visit, we cleaned out wardrobes from the winter hangers-on, the playroom was rearranged to accommodate the mass of new and huge plastic monstrosities he got for his birthday, we checked out new books from the library, and we started the big plans for the next few months. Next week Nico goes to stay with a friend a few hours a day, three days a week, so things will change again. I know I have a lot of phone calls to make and I'll try to get them taken care of this weekend (or, in your case Maria, next week. Good luck with the in-laws, BTW). I also have a lot of projects on my lists of to-dos, but they have gotten pushed to the side for right now because I'm lazy. See, not very interesting around here.

This Saturday Joe and I are thinking of doing a scavenger hunt with Nico. It isn't like the big scavenger hunt they have later in the year that takes all day and has a bevy of fabulous prizes at the end; it's a small one hosted by a local toy store that is geared to younger children. The prize is a fifteen dollar gift certificate. Not that Nico needs any more plastic stuff, we just want to start doing an activity that will interest him each weekend. The original plan was to hit the great outdoors, but it has been threatening rain all day (really all week), so we have had to come up with alternate plans. Now that Nico is old enough to be involved and interested in activities outside of eating play-doh and tormenting the cat, Joe and I want to expose him as much as we can to being involved in community life. When Nicholas was a baby and Joe was traveling for work I felt so isolated from everyone, from society at large, and even from my previous self. Now that Joe is home and Nico is a little easier to cart around, I'm glad to finally feel part of a community, but like part of myself again.